I AM altruism

At Taco Bell.
Stand in line.
Order food.
Receive change.
One quarter, one nickel.
Notice charity game thing where you drop the coin in the water tank and win free food if it lands on a colored disk.
Offer change to nine-year old boy standing next to me in line.
He drops in the quarter.
It sinks to the bottom of the tank.
He drops in the nickel.
I spin the handle to maneuver a disk under the coin.
We high-five.
The cashier hands me a free bag of cinnamon twists.
I give them to the boy.
The boy is happy.
The charity is happy.
I am happy.
I say to the boy, "I've never won anything like that before."
The boy replies, "Guess you just needed the right partner!"
His parents throw me a quick smile and whisk him off to their table.
I do my best to ignore them so as not to arouse their suspicion that I might be a child molester.
The boy thanks me three separate times before I leave the restaurant.
Three hours later, the partially digested, grade-d-meat infused, Taco Bell food erupts from my ass.
Despite the pain, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Ignorance is bliss

Note to self: the next time I date someone, and they no longer amuse me, ignore them and then run away. That'll show 'em.

Second note to self: I wish I was 18-26 years old again. I knew everything then and nothing ever impressed me (except how much I knew).

Another note to self: avoid Ashland, Virginia on a party night. They roll up the sidewalks at 11:00 PM.

Fourth note to self: if you smile and lay down some yankee charm on the middle-aged barista at the Ashland Coffee and Tea Company near closing time, she'll let you stay until the dishes are done.

Fifth note to self: Locally brewed beer and coffee at the same place, nice.


There's nothing worse than being told you are mediocre at something you didn't want to do anyway. Not only must you suffer through the activity, you must suffer the consequences of performing the activity poorly. It's like, "Jesus, I didn't ask for this. Why must you add insult to injury?"


A special place in your heart should be reserved for those humans aware enough to distinguish directness from rudeness.

Laugh, you bastards.

There are no inappropriate jokes. Just inappropriate audiences. Having a sense of humor, about even the most dastardly and gut wrenching ideas, allows some measure of control. Gallows humor has allowed me to endure the worst moments of my life. Not that my life has been especially trying. I mean, I've never been trapped under a building or reduced to eating the family pet to stay alive but, you know, life's a bitch sometimes.